Danger!!!! Curves Ahead.

So yesterday I beat S home from work. I was lounging around for a bit when he walked in - the following interaction took place..

S - Have I told you how beautiful you are today?
Me - No - (big smile) Thanks honey!
S - You look so sexy with some meat on you..
Me - WHAT?!
S - I like it when you are curvy..(getting nervous)
Me - Are you calling me FAT?!
S - No, I'm just saying how beautiful you are..
Me - So you like me fat?!
S - No no, just curvy -

At this point, S became exasperated as a compliment on his part had turned into a panic attack on my part. Before you get all "real women have curves" on me, let me explain why I was in a MAJOR panic..

I was never heavy as a child, my mom fed us very healthy food - fresh and organic when available..As I went thru high school, my weight stayed normal - a few ups and down, typical teenage angst...Even college didn't find me with the "freshman 15", maybe 5..

It was after College that my weight took an upward turn. I blame too much draft beer at Bogies (anyone remember the old REAL Bogies? Going to see Strange Arrangement and sticking to the floor?), late night slices of pizza, throw in a bad relationship, low self esteem and no exercise and the scale will be strained. My weight shot up to an unfortunate number and my clothes size hit the double digits. I was the "heavy one" of the crowd, I tried to distract from my largeness by tanning, wearing a ton of makeup, way too big hair and baggy clothes. I was ridiculed by guys in bars - I can still remember being yelled at to "move my fat a*s" out of the way..I walked with my head down allot..

You always hear about drug addicts or alcoholics hitting "rock bottom", well I had my own. Even tho it was many years ago, I can still recall it vividly, trying cram myself into a pair of jeans on a cold New Years Eve, I had just purchased them and already they were too tight..Finally, after tugging and pulling, I said, or yelled to myself "THAT'S IT!!" I decided, then and there, that I HAD to make a change.. I changed my attitude toward food, my eating habits, I became a vegetarian, started to work out and the pounds left, hopefully never to return. This lead to my self esteem going back up, soon, I peeling myself away from said bad relationship and was on my way back to single digit sizes. I felt lighter, more upbeat.. I went from being the heavy one of the crowd to being the small one of the crowd..I am not saying that all of my problems melted away with the fat, but I was proud of myself, I had respect for myself and for the first time in a while, actually loved myself..

As you can imagine, to me, being heavy is more frightening than the boogie man. The time in my life when I packed on the pounds was unhappy, dark and angry. The only thing left from all those pounds ago are some unfortunate stretch marks, but thankfully over time, they have faded. To me, being heavy equals being unhappy. So the thought that I have gained some weight sends me directly into panic mode. Admittedly, I have been a bit lax in my discipline, so I have no one to blame but myself for the few pounds hanging around. But I know I can get back on track..

I by no means think curvy women are not beautiful, I understand the way our bodies look, especially as we age. I have been told that a few extra pounds are good as I am trying to get pregnant. My family and friends do not understand when I get upset if the scale goes up just a tiny bit. But it is something that is buried deep within my psyche, it is part of my being. Curves are something to be cherished, just not by me.

What do you think? As I write this, I am avoiding that cookie craving! :)
xo

A Very Important Date

On this date in 1920, the 19th Amendment went into effect. Go ahead - consult your history book, I'll wait....

Ok, the 19th amendment gave women the right to vote. It went into effect in 1920..that was only 89 years ago..Yes, only 89 years. What is even more amazing to me than the short period of time that women have been able to vote, is the fact that there are women out there, of legal age, who still WILL NOT VOTE. The story of the Suffragettes is not a new one, everyone knows the key players, Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton etc. These women endured ridicule, isolation and in some instances, injury, both mental and physical, all to ensure women the right that men had enjoyed for many years, the right to vote.

This group of women believed in a cause and fought for it, they believed in it, they lived, ate and drank it. It is so inspiring to see how the movement succeeded. I tip my hat (if i were to wear one) to the mothers of this right. We, as women, should be thankful and honor their memory in casting our vote in EVERY election. It is the least we can do to honor their memory.

It makes me think about causes and movements. What causes are we fighting for these days? The war in Iraq? The President's proposed health care policy? The swine flu? What do we as a society, and we as women, really care about?

Food for thought on a cool August night..
xo

Random Musings

Happy sunny day y'all! Here is what is bouncing around in my head....

Why cant I have less weight and more money?
If she makes so much money, why can't she buy some new clothes?!

Days are getting shorter - time for some new cashmere..

Four months till Christmas, can i skip it this year?

Calf cramping will be bad at pilates tonight...
Why am I so sleepy?

What can subdue overarching frustration? If only just a little...

And yes, the walking man walks...
Excuse my scrambled thoughts - just one of those days...or daze I suppose..

Vacation

Greetings from sunny Wildwood Crest! What a fun place - S and I arrived yesterday in time for a bit of lunch and some beach time...
S's family is from this area and he introduced me to a most yummy snack that he enjoyed as a wee one - anyone ever had a Tasty Kake????
Yuumy! :)

Beach Bunny

Do not adjust your computer screen - yes - it is 5:00 AM...WHY would I be up so early????? Time for a vacation with S...On the road to the beach..
Ill try to post about our fun in the sun - stay tuned an have a great day!
xo

Pilates

I like to consider myself pretty fit, I am no athlete, but I hold my own. For as long as I have been working our regularly, my workout routines have consisted of various video tapes (dvds now), some weights, some just cardio, some circuit training..With my step and weights, my workouts were pretty challenging, but after a while became a bit predictable. I was looking for a change, something to shake it up a bit, yoga was great, but not quite what I was looking for..Then I discovered pilates, and I have never looked back..

Pilates is a method of exercise developed by Joseph Pilates while he was in an interment camp in Britain during WW1. After his release, he chose to come to America (New York City) and share his method. He opened a studio and soon, his workouts became popular with dancers, as a way to develop and further core strength..After his death in the 1960's, his wife carried on and since many have taken up the method and kept the exercise alive.

I went to my first private lesson in November of last year. The next day, I could not move, couldn't sit up, nothing. I had worked muscles I didn't know i had, and I thought - HOLY MOLY - what am I doing? But, I kept going and the pain did not stop, but became almost welcomed as I knew I was doing something good for my muscles and that I was not cheating during my workouts.

One of the things I love the most about pilates is the mind/body connection. You really have to concentrate on the movement, almost visualize the muscle you are trying to work, otherwise, it is easy to cheat, thus not getting any effect. I always walk out of my session feeling taller and stronger, as the focus is on proper posture and strengthening your core. My tummy is my no means flat, but I feel stronger in my gait and my posture has improved. My back pain is down to a dull roar and I feel as tho I have more control in my everyday movement. As a gymnast when I was a child, I learned the grace and control of movement and that is really at the heart of pilates.

So, I would recommend this workout to anyone and everyone. I go to the Pilates Principle on Route 9 and love the staff they are friendly and so helpful. I have been with the same instructor since I started and she is great! I feel as tho I have made major progress as I can now accomplish moves that when I started seemed impossible..The one that comes to mind is called the "Teaser"..yikes...check out the video...


Anyhow, try it out..I promise you will love this workout.
Happy Friday y'all! :)

Nightmare On My Street

I have recently been suffering from a bout of insomnia. This is not the first time this sleep depriving oddity has occurred. Usually when I am stressed about something or facing a huge, life changing event, I can't sleep.

During the weeks before our wedding, I would lay awake, staring at the ceiling and wondering how everything was going to come together, timing, guests, will my dress fit? All of this while S slept soundly, snoring away. Again, before we moved out of our old house and into our new one, I would lay awake starting at the same ceiling, this time wondering how on earth can we afford this? And of course, S was far away in REM land, oblivious to my inability to fall asleep. He would, however, be made aware the next day, as a night without sleep or with little sleep causes me to be a grumpy, short tempered not nice person to be around..Anyhow, when these huge life changing events were completed, life and sleep would return to normal.

For the last month or so, I have had no problem falling asleep, it is staying asleep that is the problem. I would wake up about 2 hours after falling asleep and stay awake for hours..Why? There are no major life changing events going on right now, no big moves, no weddings, no births or deaths...So, why why why have I been having such a hard time sleeping? being a cranky dark circled eyed person is no fun..So I decided to take action.

I decided to try a sleep aid. Over the counter, safe, right? I don't need an addiction to sleeping pills, nor do I have any desire to end up like Lilly Bart (curse you Edith Wharton!)..So I purchased the PC brand of Advil PM. How much damage can this do? I was DESPERATE to sleep thru the night. The first few times I took it, it did not seem to do anything, I still was not sleeping thru the night. I was going to give up on it and go find a Shaman or hypnotist, I decided last night to try it one more time...

Well, I slept thru the night. Hold the applause, while I did sleep, it was anything but restful. My night journeys were convoluted, nonsensical and almost maniacal. The only other time I can remember dreams as surreal as those was while heavily medicated after surgery or while very sick. The night thankfully ended when S's blackberry alarm went off this morning causing me to yell "What the f*ck was that?!". Now, those of you who know me know I curse very infrequently, so imagine my surprise (and S's)at this loud exclamation first thing in the morning...I just hope L and D didn't hear me.

So here is the moral of my long rambling story. DO NOT take sleep aids..And if you do, consider yourself warned..I would take a sleepless night over a night of scary sleep any day. Anyone have any natural cures for insomnia?
Happy Sleeping y'all!
xo