So yesterday I beat S home from work. I was lounging around for a bit when he walked in - the following interaction took place..
S - Have I told you how beautiful you are today?
Me - No - (big smile) Thanks honey!
S - You look so sexy with some meat on you..
Me - WHAT?!
S - I like it when you are curvy..(getting nervous)
Me - Are you calling me FAT?!
S - No, I'm just saying how beautiful you are..
Me - So you like me fat?!
S - No no, just curvy -
At this point, S became exasperated as a compliment on his part had turned into a panic attack on my part. Before you get all "real women have curves" on me, let me explain why I was in a MAJOR panic..
I was never heavy as a child, my mom fed us very healthy food - fresh and organic when available..As I went thru high school, my weight stayed normal - a few ups and down, typical teenage angst...Even college didn't find me with the "freshman 15", maybe 5..
It was after College that my weight took an upward turn. I blame too much draft beer at Bogies (anyone remember the old REAL Bogies? Going to see Strange Arrangement and sticking to the floor?), late night slices of pizza, throw in a bad relationship, low self esteem and no exercise and the scale will be strained. My weight shot up to an unfortunate number and my clothes size hit the double digits. I was the "heavy one" of the crowd, I tried to distract from my largeness by tanning, wearing a ton of makeup, way too big hair and baggy clothes. I was ridiculed by guys in bars - I can still remember being yelled at to "move my fat a*s" out of the way..I walked with my head down allot..
You always hear about drug addicts or alcoholics hitting "rock bottom", well I had my own. Even tho it was many years ago, I can still recall it vividly, trying cram myself into a pair of jeans on a cold New Years Eve, I had just purchased them and already they were too tight..Finally, after tugging and pulling, I said, or yelled to myself "THAT'S IT!!" I decided, then and there, that I HAD to make a change.. I changed my attitude toward food, my eating habits, I became a vegetarian, started to work out and the pounds left, hopefully never to return. This lead to my self esteem going back up, soon, I peeling myself away from said bad relationship and was on my way back to single digit sizes. I felt lighter, more upbeat.. I went from being the heavy one of the crowd to being the small one of the crowd..I am not saying that all of my problems melted away with the fat, but I was proud of myself, I had respect for myself and for the first time in a while, actually loved myself..
As you can imagine, to me, being heavy is more frightening than the boogie man. The time in my life when I packed on the pounds was unhappy, dark and angry. The only thing left from all those pounds ago are some unfortunate stretch marks, but thankfully over time, they have faded. To me, being heavy equals being unhappy. So the thought that I have gained some weight sends me directly into panic mode. Admittedly, I have been a bit lax in my discipline, so I have no one to blame but myself for the few pounds hanging around. But I know I can get back on track..
I by no means think curvy women are not beautiful, I understand the way our bodies look, especially as we age. I have been told that a few extra pounds are good as I am trying to get pregnant. My family and friends do not understand when I get upset if the scale goes up just a tiny bit. But it is something that is buried deep within my psyche, it is part of my being. Curves are something to be cherished, just not by me.
What do you think? As I write this, I am avoiding that cookie craving! :)
xo
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2 comments:
I think that as women a lot of our self esteem is based on our looks. I have and continue to struggle with this. I look at photos of myself as a young woman- happy, smiling and with some curves but fairly thin and fit. As an almost 40-something I see that I was pretty and that my weight and body were just fine. However, at the time I thought that I was homely and plump. Oh, to have that figure and that face again now!
Traditionally, little girls are complimented by telling them that they are "pretty." This seems like an innocuous comment but in reality, I think that little girls need to be told that they are smart, clever, interesting and kind. We must focus on things other than their physicality when calling attention to them.
We also need to raise our boys to value girls and women who are strong, independent, intelligent, hard-working and funny. Of course, physical beauty will always be a part of the puzzle but boys need to see other aspects of women as beautiful.
I can relate to what you are saying and at times I suffer from the same issues in terms of my body image and weight. However, I know that the best parts of me (no matter what my size) are in my mind and in my heart....not in my too-tight or baggy jeans.
Well, if there is one constant in life, it's knowing that drunk college guys can be douchebags.
That said, congrats on having lost weight and reaching your own turning point. The important thing is feeling good about yourself, and just kind of ignoring everything else anyone says (both good and bad).
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